


My Own Worth

by Jollysailorswan



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: M/M, post S1, written for Chris' birthday
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-28
Updated: 2017-08-28
Packaged: 2018-12-21 04:01:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11935893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jollysailorswan/pseuds/Jollysailorswan
Summary: Chris reflects on his career after the GPF in Barcelona. By the time the European Championship ends, he realises he is more than medals and rivalries.





	My Own Worth

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Piyo13](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Piyo13/gifts).



> I wrote this back in February for Christophe's birthday. I'm finally posting it here after some changes and editing.

“So, you’re not retiring, after all.”

Another year, another Grand Prix, another shot at the gold lost, another banquet. Chris could understand why Victor had come to find these things tedious. Last year had been special only because of a drunk fellow skater. This year things are just a bit tamer only because Yuuri refused to consume any alcohol after the recent revelations of his adventures at Sochi. 

And because Chris really isn’t in the mood.

Victor is standing with him, a rare moment of privacy between them among the numerous people who want to talk to them both. They both have a glass of champagne in their hands. For Chris, it’s already his fourth. Victor is not drinking much, but it’s probably because he is too distracted by the dark haired man talking across the room to Phichit, Celestino and some ISU important guys.

Victor’s answer to his question is no more than a simple no. And he still keeps his eyes on Yuuri. As if that should be enough explanation for everything that’s happened in the last year.

_ It kind of is _ , Chris thinks while taking another sip from his drink.

“You couldn’t even stay away from the ice for one season after all,” Chris chuckles.

“It wasn’t the ice that drove me away in the first place,” and Victor keeps smiling, a smile more serene than Chris has ever seen. No gold medal had ever made his friend shine this bright. 

And he remembers a conversation they had during last season. It had been right before the GPF at Sochi and Chris had tried to tease his friend with “Are you going for another streak this year, or are you letting us mere mortals have a chance”.

Victor hadn’t said anything but Chris would have sworn that he heard him whisper something that sounded like: “at least then I will have  _ something _ .”

Chris had ignored that.

Every skater in the world had detested Victor for years because they had convinced themselves that no one could ever dethrone him. Chris himself had fallen under that safety net the last few years. Silver was as good as gold with Victor in the competition, so that’s what he would aim for. This year he aimed for gold. He complained about not being motivated without Victor, but what his absence had done was make him complacent. And in the end, the new blood had already surpassed him.

All he got was a rose crown and while that would have been enough before - it would have been everything really, cause maybe that meant he was more like the man he’d been chasing than he thought - this year it feels a lot like a sent off. This year, he feels older than ever before.

“How do you expect to make a comeback without any training at all?”  _ Please _ , Chris thought,  _ prove to me that you are human, too _ .

Because Chris still wonders sometimes. Even with two separate world records broken, Victor still holds the record for overall points. He would have won again, had he been competing with everyone else. He’s experienced enough to not allow any mistakes or let his emotions overwhelm his performance. But could he do the same in one month at the Russian Nationals without any preparation? Or at Europeans? Or even at Worlds?

“You can’t possibly think I let myself go completely after last March, Chris,” his friend turns to him again. “You were there when your boyfriend helped me and Yuuri practice our lifts. Did you see me slacking off? To be honest, training with Yuuri has helped with my stamina,” he thinks for a mere second and then adds in a hushed tone, “in more ways than one.”

Chris rolls his eyes. Had he been in a better mood, he would have said something even more suggestive but he wasn’t feeling it, really.

“Besides, I’m not doing this for the gold anymore.”

Chris notices new emotions in Victor’s voice. Emotions that were a very recent development.

“Not that I ever skated just for the gold, you know. Of course the thrill of winning is amazing, but soon I realised I was happier with a silver combined with the loudest applause.”

And Chris remembers that time at Worlds during his earlier years in the senior division, when Victor was the first skater ever to do the quad lutz in competition. He didn’t land it but the rotations were there and that’s all that mattered to the audience. Victor only got bronze but after being the first to do the flip, attempting the lutz too meant that maybe his legend had only just started. Chris was the first to land the lutz perfectly during the next season before the Grand Prix Final and it became his signature move. But in the final Victor landed the lutz, the flip and the salchow in combination in one program. And that certainly mattered more.

And Chris realises this. He is 25 years old, considered a veteran in the figure skating field, with many titles to his name and even if he’d never been able to surpass Victor, he thinks he knows him at least. But it was never about the gold. And it wasn’t going to be about the gold now either.

“I will still do my best, of course. I have new inspiration, the best kind of inspiration now. And I’m going to let it guide me as long as my old ass body allows me.”

“Are you going to commission music for the ‘10 ways Yuuri Katsuki has ruined me’ routine you have in mind, then?” Chris teases and finally laughes at Victor’s attempt to hit him.

They don’t have a lot of time to talk after that.    


Chris goes back home with a lot on his mind.

Victor had never been particularly interested in getting gold, yet no one had been able to take the medals from him. Did Chris wast his whole career chasing after someone who couldn’t be reached? Had he given up? Had he perceived Victor’s genius as his failure?

Probably.

Is he uninspired like Victor had been at the end of last season?

Not really. But then again, he’d let teenagers remove him from the podium.He never beat Victor but he always fought his way to the highest step on the podium available. He is a fan favourite in his own right and he may not always be technically perfect but his presentation is his forte.

Still, he fell off the podium in the final. So, when he returns home, he goes back to the ice promising redeem himself. Europeans are close.

He wins the Nationals, naturally. But that always felt like a warm up. His smile is sincere but has no thrill. He watches as Victor gets another gold in the Russian nationals and his friend’s smile is brighter than ever, but only when Victor gets the chance to talk about his fiance winning his own nationals. None of the gold medals had ever evoked that smile. It’s like Victor said. Chris wasn’t sure he’d believed him back then, but it’s the truth.

He’s not really going after the gold anymore. He’s just competing and taking whatever they give him. 

The only difference this time around is that Victor has someone waiting for him at the edge of the rink. Yuuri wasn’t there with Yakov to wrap a panting Victor in his arms after his programs, but Chris saw the pictures of their emotional reunion in St. Petersburgh.

And he gets to witness it up close at Europeans. Victor gets silver this time, Yurio one step ahead of him, his score less than a point higher than Victor’s, and Chris now has a bronze around his neck. Chris thinks that Yurio would have been a bit more satisfied had Victor shown some irritation, but the crowd still chants Victor’s name the loudest and he and Yuuri celebrate as if Victor had just broken the world records again.

_ This is what love does for you _ , he thinks as Yuuri lifts Victor in his arms like he did during the exhibition in Barcelona.  _ It brings you higher than you were supposed to go on your own. _

Chris reaches the edge of the rink and, next to the spectacle that are two of the most respected figure skaters in the world, stands the one that could lift him higher. Marcel is there again with the most proud smile on his face and the most extravagant bouquet in his hands. 

Chris knows his partner isn’t one to draw attention like him. He isn’t comfortable with big displays of affection when in public and even that huge bouquet is more than he would usually express. But even so, Marcel never fails to show his pride in him. And the bitter taste of bronze doesn’t matter anymore. Because now that he can focus, he can listen to the people who are still chanting his own name. He can see his scores that aren’t his personal best but still very close. Marcel is there and helps him see that even a bronze medal is a big achievement and he should be proud.

Marcel has been by his side for years. He’s followed him in many competitions and brought him more flowers than he could count and offered him words of affection and encouragement and pride. Those things always worked to make him forget that Victor walked away from the ice with the coveted gold, only to be swept away by reporters the moment his skate guards were on. They worked enough to send him back to the ice again and again. 

They didn’t worked as much after the GPF in Barcelona but that was to be expected considering he didn’t even make the podium for the first time in years.

Later, he comes back to that moment and remembers it as a sensory overload. The chanting of the crowd. Victor’s laughter and Yuuri’s softer but teasing voice. Yakov berating both his skaters for one reason or another. Reporters ready to attack at any given moment. Marcel’s arms closing around him. And three memories. Two of Victor.

_ “at least then I will have something. _ ”

And…

_ “I will still do my best, of course. I have new inspiration, the best kind of inspiration now. And I’m going to let it guide me as long as my old ass body allows me.” _

Medals are not the only thing Chris has. They are not a consolation prize for an otherwise empty life. They are not the only proof of his worth. Sure, they are cool and shiny. But there are things that matter more and somewhere along the way he had forgotten that. Victor had forgotten too.

There are better things in life than medals. Like Marcel’s eyes glimmering with emotions in the privacy of their bedroom. Like the glide of his skates on fresh ice and the thrill of landing a difficult jump. Like all the precious memories of friendship and love he had gathered along the way to where he was now.

That is his inspiration. And he still has a lot of it. He has a lot to give back to the world who cheers for him, to his fellow competitors and to people like Victor who are better than him yet still admire his skating.

The third memory is from right after the GPF. He was back home and in their bed with Marcel. He was tired but couldn’t quiet the thoughts wreaking havoc in his mind. He was at a place where he thought he’d reached his limit and more new skaters would surpass him easily. 

And Victor was coming back with as much confidence as ever.

Marcel’s arm circled Chris from behind, his hand tracing lines on his chest. His boyfriend knew him too well. He had probably waited to discuss it until they were alone in the safety of their own home. And he didn’t wait for Chris to start talking.

_ “I know you’ve always chased the top and that right now you feel as if you missed your last chance to reach it. But you give so much to the ice and to the sport and to your competitors and no gold is enough to prove your worth. You are much more than that. You mean so much to so many people. I know it doesn’t always feel like it, I’ve been there myself. People would still love and admire you if you placed last.” _

Those words hadn’t meant much at the moment and Chris had chosen to focus on the whispered I love yous and the kisses that followed. But at this moment, with Marcel smiling at him like he was the end and the beginning of the world, with people chanting his name, with Victor and Yuuri rushing to him, all smiles and love. That was the moment when he thought this, this is what I love most of all. And he realised why Victor doesn’t want to do this for the medals. It’s not that he isn’t capable of winning them anymore. It’s because the happiness is sweeter when you just enjoy doing what you love. And maybe that fuels your determination better than the desire to be at the top.

Victor starts going on and on about Chris’ step sequence in the FS. And Chris is confident that his friend isn’t lying. He’s openly admired Chris’ skills before, but this time he doesn’t dismiss the comments.

“Be careful, Victor,” Marcel teases while wrapping Chris in his arms again. “Maybe Chris will place higher than you this year at Worlds.”

And Victor’s eyes shimmer with excitement.

“Bring it!” Because Victor has never dismissed him as a competitor and he won’t start now.

“As long as you both don’t cry because I’ve stolen the gold from your hands…”

Yuuri doesn’t finish that thought because Victor attacks him with kisses, making the younger man lose all his bravado and everyone else laugh.

They celebrate together that night, along with a few other skaters. Victor and Yuuri give Chris an early present for his birthday, saying that they thought the Europeans would be the best opportunity to do so because they would be busy with the 4CC in February. It isn’t the first time Victor gives him his present at Europeans. But this year it only cements what Marcel told him after the Grand Prix Final.

_ You mean so much to so many people. _

He can live with that. He can be happy with that. He will still go after the gold. But he will never again dismiss his own worth.


End file.
